Welcome back to the show. To most of America,
I’m Samantha Bee the comedian, Samantha Bee the style icon, Samantha Bee the author of
the 12th-most popular line of self-published dinosaur
erotica on Amazon Canada. But at home, I’m just “Mom”.
From my own parenting experience, I can tell you there’s nothing more terrifying than a
teenage girl. And right now, one teenage girl in particular
is scaring the crap out of all of us. Moderator: “What’s your message to world
leaders today?” Greta: “My message is that we’ll be watching
you.” And she means it, too.
This morning, I woke up to see her standing over my bed. That, of course, is
Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old Swedish climate activist who’s been traveling the world with
one simple message: She’s just a girl, standing in front of a
group of world leaders, asking them to do something before the whole planet melts and
we all die. Greta: “You all come to us young people for
hope. How dare you!” “For more than 30 years, the science has been
crystal clear. How dare you continue to look away and come here saying that you’re doing
enough when the politics and solutions needed are still nowhere in sight.”
The only thing scarier than a 16-year-old girl is a 16-year-old girl with an agenda
who knows how to hold a grudge. Greta Thunberg terrifies me, and I love her
for it. She doesn’t want to inspire us or give us
hope. She wants to give us nightmares because we
deserve them. Greta is bringing something very important
to the discourse about climate change: shame. She’s traveled all over the world, ripping
into our craven leaders like a miniature Don Rickles in braids.
And you know what? It’s working!
Her international shaming tour has led the E.U. to commit
hundreds of billions of Euros to combating climate change;
she got the British Parliament to declare a climate emergency and pledge to
zero out its carbon emissions by 2050; and she got the band Scorpions to finally
stop rocking everyone like a hurricane. Hurricanes are dangerous, Scorpions! Also, you can’t
rhyme “here I am” with “hurricane”! Oh you can!
Of course, Greta’s campaign has brought out a fierce backlash from misogynists, because
preserving a liveable planet has somehow become a threat to
“the entitlements of masculine primacy.” According to a recent study,
men may even be less likely to recycle just because they’re worried people will think
they’re gay. The only way people will think you’re gay
for recycling is if you return cans on a date with your partner, who is a man, and also
gay. The ludicrous resistance to climate change
has become so deeply entrenched, especially among America’s right-wing man-children, that
an actual woman-child is now our best hope for
survival. Greta: “You are failing us, but the young
people are starting to understand your betrayal. The eyes of all future generations are upon
you and if you choose to fail us, I say: we will never forgive you.”
Do you like the Backstreet Boys? Which one is your favorite?
Thank you, Greta. You scare me because you tell the truth.
And the next time I’m considering turning up the AC because my heater’s too hot,
I’ll see your face, because I painted it on my wall.
And if you ever forgive us for failing you, I’ll never forgive you.
We’ll be right back.