Meanwhile… Runaway Snake

Meanwhile… Runaway Snake

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YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT, FOLKS, I
STAND RIGHT OVER THERE, AND I SPEND MY TIME CAREFULLY
ARRANGING THE BIGGEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL NEWS FLOWERS OF
THE DAY INTO THE GORGEOUS IKEBANA ARRANGEMENT THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE. BUT ONCE IN WHILE, I LIKE TO
GATHER UP SOME DANDELIONS, DAY OLD NEWS PAPERS, AND CIGARETTE
BUTTS, SQUISH THEM INTO A BALL, AND STUFF THEM INTO AN EMPTY CAN
OF BAKED BEANS TO FORM THE HOBO WEDDING CENTER… PIECE OF
MY NEWS, THAT IS MY SEGMENT, “MEANWHILE.” HOBO WEDDING CENTERPIECE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN THE AFTERMATH OF HURRICANE DORIAN THIS WEEKEND,
FOOTAGE WENT VIRAL OF A JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE THAT HAD BEEN
ABANDONED ON MYRTLE BEACH DURING THE STORM. WHICH IS BAD NEWS FOR THE
TRUCK’S OWNER, BUT GREAT NEWS FOR THE NEIGHBORHOOD OLD MAN
WITH A METAL DETECTOR. ( LAUGHTER )
“QUITE A HAUL, HONEY! I FOUND TWO BOTTLE CAPS, A
BUFFALO NICKEL, AND A MID-SIZE SPORT UTILITY VEHICLE.” AND WHY WAS THIS JEEP ABANDONED
ON THE BEACH? WELL, THE VEHICLE’S OWNER SAYS
THAT HE “LENT THE JEEP TO HIS COUSIN, WHO WAS DRIVING ON THE
BEACH, TRYING TO GET A PICTURE OF THE SUNRISE BEFORE HURRICANE
DORIAN HIT.” THE COUSIN THEN “GOT STUCK IN A
DITCH IN THE SAND AND LEFT THE VEHICLE,” SO THE COUSIN SENT THE
OWNER “A MESSAGE WITH A PHOTO OF HIS GRAND CHEROKEE GETTING
PUMMELED BY WAVES,” AND “TWO MINUTES AFTER GETTING THE
MESSAGE, THE POLICE KNOCKED ON THE OWNER’S DOOR TO TELL HIM
THEY HAD FOUND HIS JEEP.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE HAVE THE WINNER FOR THE AWARD FOR “MOST COUSIN.” BUT MAYBE–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) “I LEFT IT. IT WAS GETTING WET, SO I LEFT
IT!” MAYBE THE BEST FOOTAGE TO EMERGE
OF THE JEEP IS THIS CLIP OF A LOCAL SOUTH CAROLINIAN WHO
DECIDED TO GIVE THE S.U.V. ITS LAST RITES:
♪ ♪ ♪ LAST RITES:
♪ ♪ ♪ THAT IS ACTUALLY THE BEST WAY TO
MAKE SOMEONE LISTEN TO YOUR BAGPIPE SOLO: BURY THEM IN SAND,
SURROUND THEM WITH TURBULENT WATER, AND THEY ARE A CAR. MEANWHILE, IT’S TIME FOR OUR
LONG-RUNNING “MEANWHILE SUBSEGMENT,” RUNAWAY SNAKE. I DON’T WANT TO ALARM ANYONE,
BUT “A SNAKE ESCAPED IN A WISCONSIN HIGH SCHOOL AND NO ONE
CAN FIND IT!” IT WAS LOST BY A BIOLOGY TEACHER
WHO INSISTS “THE SNAKE HAS NO HISTORY OF HARMING ANYONE OR
STRIKING OUT, AND THERE’S NO NEED FOR ANYONE INSIDE THE
SCHOOL TO BE OVERLY CONCERNED.” ONE THING IS FOR SURE: THAT
STATEMENT WAS ISSUED BY THE SNAKE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IT’S ACTUALLY A LITTLE CLOSER THAN I WANT IT TO BE.>>Jon: YOU BETTER GET AWAY
FROM THAT.>>Stephen: THERE GU. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THEY’RE NOT SURE, BUT THE SNAKE IS “BELIEVED TO BE HIDING
OUT INSIDE A SCIENCE LAB VENTILATION SYSTEM.” SO FINDING THIS PYTHON IS
SIMPLE. SIT A STUDENT NEXT TO A VENT
DRESSED AS A WOUNDED MOUSE. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, IT’S BEEN AN EXCITING WEEK FOR THE KIDS OVER AT
FOND DU LAC HIGH SCHOOL. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT’S GIVEN
ME AN IDEA FOR A SEXY NEW TEEN DRAMA. JIM? ♪ ♪ ♪
>>WHY HAVEN’T YOU BEEN ANSWERING MY TICTOK DM’S ASHLEY? WE NEED TO GET OUR STORIES
STRAIGHT.>>WHAT WE DID AT THE ABANDONED
APPLE FACTORY IS WRONG.>>I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT. I AM NOT GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL
JAIL FOR THIS. NOT FOR YOU, NOT FOR KIM BER,
NOT FOR KATELY. ( HISSING ).>>WHAT WAS THAT?>>STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE
SUBJECT. I NEED YOU TO…>>AARRGGH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANSEL ELGORT.

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