Polar Vortex Freezes the Midwest

Polar Vortex Freezes the Midwest

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-Okay, be honest.
Were you clapping for me or are you just trying to get
the feeling back in your hands? Let me know. It is cold. The whole country is dealing with this crazy weather
right now. Today, the polar vortex brought
the coldest temperatures in 20 years
to parts of the Midwest. Midwesterners were so upset,
they almost started cursing. They’re like, “Gosh darn it!
It’s flippin’ freezing!” That’s right. It was absolutely
brutal in the Midwest. I mean, just check out
what officials in Chicago had to do
to keep the trains running. -In Chicago, it’s so cold,
they’ve had to light the train tracks on fire
to keep them from freezing over. -Wow. [ Laughter ] On the bright side,
it looks like Doc and Marty McFly
made it back to 1985. That’s good to hear. [ Cheers and applause ] At one point, the wind chill
in Chicago was negative-49. Officials were warning people to cover their mouths
when they went outside. Listen to what else they said. -Right now, it is so cold
outside in Chicago that you shouldn’t talk. [ Laughter ] Wait. That explains why Nancy Pelosi
just announced that she’s moving Trump’s State of the Union
to Chicago. -Ohh!
-Now I get it. That’s why.
-Yeah. -I didn’t know why.
That’s why they’re doing it. [ Cheers and applause ] And listen to this. An 80-year-old crossing guard
in Iowa said the cold won’t stop him
from doing his job. Then his boss said,
“Nothing stops him. We fired that guy 40 years ago.” “Get lost!” And all day, newscasters
were doing interesting things to show just how cold it was. Check out what they did on
the “Today” show this morning. -So, how cold is it? One man actually turned
this super-frozen banana into a makeshift hammer. [ Laughter ] -What?
-That’s actually footage of Trump trying to build
his border wall. [ Cheers and applause ] -“Wall.”
-“Wall.” He says that
while he’s doing it? -“Wall.” -Usually you only hear
the phrase “banana hammer” at a male strip club. -“Here comes Banana Hammer.” ♪ Doo, do-do-do, do-do ♪
-♪ You can’t touch this ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ Please touch this ♪ [ Laughter ] But the polar vortex has caused freezing temperatures
all across the country, with wind chills as low
as 50 degrees below zero. Here now to discuss
this cold front is Weather Channel correspondent
Tim Bennigan. Thanks for joining us, Tim. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thanks for having me, Jimmy. -Absolutely.
What can you tell us? -Well, Jimmy,
there’s an extreme arctic blast that has plunged
into the Midwest, creating dangerously cold
wind chills. I can’t even feel
my banana hammer. -That — That sounds
very serious there, Tim. -Oh, it is. It is.
I’ll tell you what. If I could have, I would
have just called into work and called in sick,
spent the whole day riding my space heater
like a pony. -I’m sorry. I’m sorry. What did you say? -That’s right, Jimmy. Today was also bitterly cold
in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress
this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless
you absolutely need to buy weed. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -I’m sorry. Tim. Wait. What? -Or the essentials, you know,
like water, milk, antifreeze, or whatever you like to drink. -You’re drinking antifreeze? -I drank antifreeze. -Yeah, all right, Tim. Yeah.
-These are temperatures that you don’t want to
mess around with, Jimmy! The smart thing
for everybody to do is just pick out the weakest
member of your family and sacrifice
that mother [bleep] to the vortex! If the vortex is pleased, then maybe the vortex
will show us all a little mercy! -All right, Tim, I’m so sorry —
-Please, vortex! -Tim, what is going on?
You sound insane. What happened to you, buddy? -Jimmy! Jimmy! Aah!
-Tim, get it together! -Aah!
-What happened?! -My bosses — My bosses
thought it was a good idea to send me out into Chicago
for 12 hours and give these stupid
weather updates! Turns out that’s a bad idea.
I haven’t been right ever since. Half of my brain is shut down!
-Oh, my goodness. -I mean, look. I know we live in a 24-hour
news cycle. I’m not dumb. But does me freezing my nads off
really count as news? Oh, here’s some news for you. It’s cold out.
And I have no balls. -All right, all right,
all right. Tim. That’s fair enough. -Jimmy, if you just
remember one thing, one thing that
I’m telling you, man. The government
controls the weather! -Okay, I think — I think
we’re done here now. I think — -Jimmy, listen to me.
Listen to me! -I am.
-Aah! Listen!
-I am. -Guess how many tea bags — hot tea bags I have
down my pants right now. Doesn’t matter! Listen, people.
Get out there, buy stuff! Everybody’s buying everything
off the shelves! Go get it! Go get Kotex and go get mirror
dancing balls and Nicotine gum. Whatever you can buy!
[Sobbing] Just buy it! Bye. I gotta go. I’m gonna go sacrifice myself
to the vortex god. I’m gonna — Oh, here’s
a manhole I could go down. I’m Jimmy Fallon! [ Cheers and applause ] -I have no… I have no idea.
-What? -I have no idea. -Aah! [ Laughter ] Aah! -[ Laughs ] -Tim, are you okay?
-Aah! -You still there?
-Yeah. The manhole wasn’t that deep. [ Laughter ] -Are you sure that’s not
a manhole? Maybe it’s a pothole. -Oh, god damn it!
You’re right. You’re totally right!
You’re always right! -All right. Thank you. -‘Cause you’re in league
with the vortex! -Stop — Don’t bring me
into the vortex. -You’re in league
with the vortex. You always have been. Goodbye. -Are you sinking?
Is it quicksand? -Yeah, I’m getting my mouth
full of plastic snow! [ Laughter ] -No, it’s real snow.
Tim, that is real — Tim. Tim, that —
-Bye. -Tim, that is real snow.
It is freezing. You’re in Chicago.
It’s freezing. It’s real snow. What are you talking about? [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my gosh. -[Bleep] [ Laughter ] -It’s cold out there. -Yeah, it’s freezing out there.
-It’s freezing. -Thanks for helping him, dude. Let’s get to some news here. Today, Trump made headlines
when he called U.S. Intelligence officials
“passive and naive.” Yeah. Passive and naive. It sounds like a buddy-cop show starring Mike Pence
and Donald Trump. “I’m Passive.” “I’m Naive.” -“Wall.” -But Trump’s preparing for his
State of the Union address, which is now scheduled
for next Tuesday, just two days
after the Super Bowl. That’s two huge events
back-to-back, so we thought it’d be helpful to
break both of them down for you. For example,
during the Super Bowl, people will be watching
for unexpected plays. During the State of the Union,
people will be watching Trump pronounce words
in unexpected ways. [ Cheers and applause ] “A polar vertex.” -“The poller vertex.” -“A poly vertex.” During the Super Bowl,
people at home will take shots every time their team scores. During the State of the Union,
people at home will take shots and just keep taking shots. [ Cheers and applause ] And finally,
during the Super Bowl, fans will hold up
giant foam fingers. During the State of the Union, Nancy Pelosi will hold up
a different finger. There’s some major
differences there. -Wow. -But, you guys,
the Super Bowl is this Sunday. And on game day,
a marijuana dispensary in Oregon is delivering pizza and weed. [ Cheers and applause ] When they heard that, every
Dominos delivery guy was like, “Oh, please. We’ve been
doing that for years.” And, finally, I heard that
soon you might start seeing personalized TV ads
that are based on your habits. It’s fun until you’re watching
the Super Bowl with friends, and the Cialis commercial is
footage of you in the bathtub. We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots.

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